While I’m getting back in the swing of things with the start of school, I have some special treats for you to keep you having fun and thinking. For starters, I’ve been crazy pinning on Pinterest all kinds of fun things, from lunch ideas to birthday party favors, so go now and check out those pins. AND, we are lucky enough to have a guest post from one of my favorite bloggers today. She’s the wonderful Jillian of A Mom With A Lesson Plan and she’s here today to give us a quick lesson on getting rid of the all too common word “no.”
A friend of mine confessed a toddler issue frustrating her family. “We are always saying (and hearing) NO!” Toddlers are known for their overuse of the word “no.” Not too surprising since “no” is the word they hear most often.
Since a toddler’s main objective is to explore and examine, they are usually into (or on) things they shouldn’t be. Until they begin to understand the world a little better it is your job to keep them safe. Sometimes the first thing that comes to mind is a “NO!”
“No! Don’t climb up there.”
“No! Don’t touch that.”
“No! Don’t run in here.”
There are two problems with using “NO” in every situation. First, it loses its power. Kids need to hear the word “NO” and freeze. A good loud “NO” should stop a little one from running into the street or from touching a hot stove. If it’s the last “NO” following twenty others, how strong does it sound?
Second, the words “NO” and “DON’T” bring up the action you are trying to prevent. What happens to you when I say “NO! Don’t think about ice cream!” Did you think about ice cream? Probably so. The same is true for kids.
Easy Ways to Get Rid of the “NO!”
1. Eliminate the need for “NO” wherever you can. Of course I understand this is much easier said than done, but cutting down on the reasons to say no will make a big difference. If there are breakable or unsafe items in your home, put them out of reach until your toddler is a little older. Try to block off areas that have more risk than toddler friendly spaces.
2. Find the positive. For every negative, there is a positive.
“Don’t climb on that” could be changed to “Keep your feet on the floor.”
“No hitting” easily becomes “Hands are for clapping, hands are for hugging.”
When they are older, and have stronger verbal skills, “No hitting,” can be replaced with, “You look angry. Let me help you use your words.”
“No running” can be replaced with “Walking feet.”
Can you hear how different each suggestion sounds? With positive comments you are guiding kids to do what you want them to do.
What tricks do you have for keeping the “NO”s to a minimum?
Besides a love for her kids (and well just kids in general) Jillian has a degree in Early Childhood Education and 10 years experience as a preschool teacher. Right now her “students” call her mom. Jillian believes that life offers an abundance of learning opportunities. She loves figuring out what they are and how they can be expanded on. Join the journey at amomwithalessonplan.com.
I use statements with actions, like, “if you touch the stove you will get burned” and then use hot and cold as a learning opportunity. or “when you are loud it hurts my ears” followed by talking about loud and soft. doesn’t always work but it sounds a little more possitive that NO and DONT.
Karla – I love those examples! I’ve been trying to teach my daughter about being quiet vs. loud, particularly in certain places like libraries and doctor offices. I’ve explained to her that she can talk but in a quiet voice because people are thinking or need to rest. She seems to get it, but tells me back, “But I don’t want to be quiet, I want to talk too loud, Mommy.” Ha! I guess you’re right about it “doesn’t always work”, but there’s still a lesson in there worth teaching, right?
It may help to identify a place where she can be loud (such as outside). Then you can say, “outside is the place to be loud, inside is the place to be quiet.” In. my case, we use the example like this, “you can be loud at auntie’s house, but gramma likes quiet, so we are quiet at gramma’s. Hope this helps!
Karla,
I love how you explain a reason with each statement. Your little one is learning so much with each response not only about hot and loud but also that their actions effect others.
Jillian
I have 18mo old twin girls. We have reduced the need to say “NO” by having a “safe room.” Our living room is our girls’ playroom and (almost) everything in the room is safe for them. We don’t leave them completely unsupervised in there for more than a few minutes at a time, but it is so nice to be able to throw in a load of laundry or run to the bathroom knowing they are safe. We have visited other homes w/ our girls and end up following them around saying “No” a lot. The baby proofed room is a great thing!
Sarah-
This is a wonderful idea and something that Janet Lansbury talks about a lot. http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/07/a-creative-alternative-to-baby-tv-time/
It really does help! I love that you call it a “safe room”. I bet having a space where they are free to explore and move without needed to be corrected does make them feel SAFE.
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I really dislike using No – and find myself sometimes having “no” days as soon as I notice I turn it around with making it a “yes” day – instead of “No you can’t climb over the stair gate”, “Yes you’re getting really good at climbing would you like to go and climb at the park?” It changes our focus from the negative of the situation to a positive in an instant
Cerys @ Rainy Day Mum recently posted..Creating Activities for Books
That is a fantastic example of a no turned positive!
Cerys,
I love that turn around!
Jill @ A Mom With A Lesson Plan recently posted..top 20 moms to follow on pinterest
My best tip is to leave kids alone sometimes. Of course I mean when there is not a dangerous situation occurring. When I see my daughter playing with her cup of milk instead of drinking it I may not say anything. Then if she spills she is more likely to figure out that if she is playing with her milk she may spill. Sometimes I find if you use “no” all the time they become immune to it. Just pinned this!
Vicky @ Mess For Less recently posted..Lazy Mommy Math
Vicky,
I agree that the natural consequence of a lesson is usually far better than a warning!
Thanks for the PIN
Jillian
Jill @ A Mom With A Lesson Plan recently posted..top 20 moms to follow on pinterest
We elongated the word no – now he says “N E V E R “!
The Monko recently posted..The Sunday Parenting Party
I LOVE these tips! Your ice cream example is perfect, as I’ve heard (and read) that negatives are often negated form a sentence, so that all the brain hears is the subject. I actually remember reading this about training pets (so when you say, ‘No! Don’t pee on my flower beds) all the dog hears, for instance, is ‘pee on my flower beds.)
It’s the name with the human brain. The idea of reframing for what little ones SHOULD do is great, actionable advice. Thank you for sharing!
Since kids tend to remember the last words heard, I use 2-3 words and say the action I want to happen: ‘gentle hands’, ‘hands down’. A preschool teacher I work with also used the words ‘trouble’ to mean something that would get the child in trouble or ‘danger’ in a loud insistent voice to teach them that they really needed to stay away from the place or object. It really works!
I completely agree with these! Awesome blog!
Love this, great reminder. In the past when I worked in a preschool daycare this was one of our philosophies (sorry for spelling…) and over time I’ve forgotten and now that I’m about 4 months along with my first and trying to arm myself this is great.
Thanks for the article. We are working on this. I like how you said help take every negative and turn it into a positive. I will work on that.
Just would like to add “look with you eyes not with your hands” this I had to add due department stores and husbands parents:)